Monday, January 28, 2013

Frustrations & doubts....

Well life of course often has a way of taking priority over ttwd...I need to just chill and not let disappointment prevent me from writing about it. Things have been great since our recommitment to stepping things up a bit with incorporating the DD plan on ADDS. We are communicating more with rewriting our rules and the maintenance spanking I got the other day was more intense then usual....he has added the hairbrush and paddle which of course I hate. We have a ways to go still in getting to the level it needs to be at as far as discipline or punishment. Most of my spankings are good girl ones ...which I of course love! Others which fall under maintenance/discipline often end up being more erotic then anything else. The times I have been punished were more emotionally painful then actually physically...although I would most definitely argue that when over his knee. So we I think need to maybe experiment with both our comfort levels when it comes to that. He is a gentle man and really struggles with hurting me...I'm grateful for that but if ttwd is going to work we need to step things up a bit.
Another thing that is really bugging me is being threatened with being spanked and it not happening! I know I know I'm far from being alone in this...but throw in my doubts on whether he is really committed to working this new plan....and my of course my own self doubts...and the fact we have been putting off our sit down discussion since Friday! OK this is just turning into a rant of sorts I can see.
I wanted to post something this morning...just to get it out. I know I need to take some initiative and just talk to him about this and I will write more later.
He has just told me a few minutes ago that he sent me an email I should I go to read it....

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Newbie blogger rambling & a brief intro...

Well I guess there is no perfect way to start a blog...and putting off starting in hopes that I am going to be as articulate, insightful and entertaining as a lot of the blogs I have been reading is not going to happen any time soon. Sooo I am going to ignore the neurotic perfectionist in me and just blog for me and maybe over time it will come more naturally and I will get more confidence in sharing my personal life.

I do want to kinda give more foundation to this by telling you a little about myself and my man and where we are having domestic discipline a big part of our relationship. I do want to add here that we also have loose aspects of D/s & M/s, but we are mostly just a vanilla-ish couple that enjoy mixing things up a bit. We both have profiles on FetLife but aren't very active socially there other then an occasional spanking party. I happen to be a bit of a spanko. We do enjoy lurking and reading discussions on various groups we are members's a social network and has certain entertaining value..but enough of that!

Until I started reading stuff on the ADDS  website and reading the blogs I had never heard of "TTWD".  I really like it and will probably use that term in the future because is is so loose and personal to the individuals relationship.

OK a little about me.
 I am 45 years old....46 actually in 10days...young at at heart, submissive to the man I love but definitely have a strong assertive  personality in most aspects of my life. I like to think of myself as fairly intelligent, open minded, compassionate, witty, generous and nurturing to list a few good traits. Some of my less desirable behaviors would be willfulness, impulsiveness, impatience, & insecurity. I have a few personal demons that on occasion still haunt me as well.
I am currently not employed and I take pride in being a domestic goddess of sorts. I don't really have many friends of my own and no close connection with my family. My day to day living for the most part evolves around my relationship with my man..which is good but I think blogging and reading other blogs may be small positive step in expanding this.

I was married to a wonderful man for 6 years and became a mother to 2 wonderful girls. It was during this time that I stumbled upon websites that introduced me to DD, HoH & Tih which really appealed to me.  I finally shared this with my husband who for the most part never fully embraced the dynamics and by nature was not very dominant. My husband passed away in 2007 and I lost custody of my children to my brother-in -law & sister-in-law due to me somewhat having a nervous breakdown...self destructive behavior like excessive drinking and relapsing into an eating disorder. I have came a long way in healing and growth but because of "the system" and the in laws being the way they are, lack of money for legal assistance, it has not been easy in getting my children back, but enough of that for now.

OK a little about my man.
He is 59 years old, although you would never know it! Dominant without being domineering. I think he is the quiet gentle type of man that just has a presence that just makes you want to listen to what he says and just do what he's weird. Just some of the things I love about him would be his patience, generosity  (almost to a fault), his unconditional love, his strength and self control, we share so many interests and have such a comfortable vibe between us even when we first met, it seemed we had been together a lifetime.  We met online and were friends first...fell  in love upon actually meeting,  I moved in and we have have been together for almost 3 years. He proposed to me December 25th 2012 and we both look forward to getting my children back soon.
 He's been married twice, widowed twice. Both marriages had aspects of domestic disciple and D/s M/s to a certain degree. He had lived a good part of his young adult life as a biker and the biker lifestyle I guess has a lot of that naturally there...anyway the crowd he was around did.
So when we met online we were both looking for that in our next relationship. It has been that way from the beginning.
 He has a close relationship to his 2 grown boys that live close by and it is nice being part of his family. He retired early from General Motors after 36 years but still occasionally will take on automotive work like restoration. It keeps him active and brings in some extra cash.

We have just recently wanted to refocus and strengthen TTWD and are following the DD plan found on ADDS website and I will be blogging about that in the next post I promise..
I need to end this post now because I need to run to the grocery store and my dear man is giving me a jokingly hard time about writing a book.
More tomorrow

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rethinking bootcamp

Well we have decided to hold off on boot camp and see if after giving this TTWD some extra focus using some of the steps and suggestions that are on ADDS  site. We are experimenting with discipline and maintenance spankings twice a week instead of whenever and will be having a weekly discussion every Friday.
I am to keep a dd-discipline diary as well. I have really enjoyed reading some of the blogs and I hope to be at a point where I can blog more often as well.